i'mmmm hommee wooottt

well, as this was my last day in india, this might very well be the last post on this journal. today was a weird day but a good evening i feel. bought so much stuff. got a pedicure =) tried to pack but am frustrated so i'm taking a break.

please, whether you are an atheist like me or a religious person, pray for these things tomorrow:
-no terrorist attack on the airport while i'm there (or in general i guess)
-my blue bag is of carry-on size
-my other bags aren't heavier than the weight limit

yes.

EDIT: please consider the time difference when praying. my tomorrow is your tonight.

this is scary:
http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/India/Threat_to_planes_on_Babri_anniversary/articleshow/3782839.cms

and this is sad:
http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/India/Remains_of_six_Mumbai_Jews_flown_back_to_Israel_for_burial/articleshow/3782363.cms

I moved my flight to friday instead of sunday because of upper article.

Almost done packing, finishing up shopping tomorrow.

feel very tired. or stressed. or both. can't focus on school (or anything really) so I'm going to get an extension for my paper and just email it next week.

sigh sigh sigh.

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/Cities/Deccan_Mujahideen_threatens_Delhi/articleshow/3777787.cms

after someone told me about the article i got so worked up that i felt sick. basically everyone on this trip is going to be at an airport or train station this weekend. my flight is on sunday.

so, i've started getting really excited about coming home. i'm shopping and thinking about home and all the wonderful things I get to do when i get there. I get to see my family and my dogs and have hot showers.

I'm coming home on the 7th on December. I am hoping that I can get all of my stuff home ok. I'm working on it. I'm also working on my anthro paper which I am finding difficult.

So here is my latest life plan:
-graduate next year (not this year like I was thinking) with double major, and fluent in hindi (or try to be as close as I can get)
-go into peace corps for two years (i am thinking mali, morocco or thailand right now)
-get fellowship for peace corps people (they have connections with various institutions) and get an urban/ rural development or public health or public policy masters (paidd forrr babbyy)
-go to amazing business school (accrue a lot of dept in the process but earn it all back in like 4 years)
- be a sexy double masters earning bitch that does venture capitalism in developing nations helping out NGOs, building schools, and providing microfinance
-be awesomely wealthy and just awesome
-open a bakery/ coffee shop as my personal hobby while I'm at home


hell yes.

http://edition.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/asiapcf/11/28/mumbai.sites.latest/

so i'm really sad that my trip had to end so abruptly and that i don't get to travel more and that my parents aren't coming, but there's not much i can do about.

i guess i just have to try to look on the bright side- i'll be home for christmas and new years, i can spend less of my parent's money, and i can get a job over break now (and not be broke). ha, break, broke... ok.

sigh. sigh. sigh.

i finished my art history paper just now, gonna go turn it in today.I still got my Anthro paper to go but I'll finish that this weekend and then I've just gotta sit for my hindi final (i won't pass but i just need to be there so I don't get an incomplete). Then I'm done... wow. i'm not sure i like that! I'm sorta sad now. i've still gotta go shopping and stuff jeez...


EDIT: I was just reading the newspaper about all the stuff going on in mumbai and it made me so incredibly sad and angry. So many people so many really sad stories. They were asking people their religion and nationality.

so, i was working on my paper tonight and decided to stay up late with two others to keep working. careless, care free, minus the whole paper part.

internet breaktime... and BAM!! :http://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/asiapcf/11/26/india.attacks/index.html

and the airport and the train station and the hospital and the hotels and the hostages and the explosions. They were actively seeking Americans and British people and checking passports. checking passports.

lemme put it this way: there have been about 6 terrorist attacks in india and pakistan while I've been here, one of which was in delhi, and I arrive at the scene of it about half an hour after it happened and people were running and yelling at me to get back to my hotel (assuming I was a tourist). And I wasn't all that scared.

but this is different. very different. very scary and maniacal. And I'm getting out of here.

ok, I'm not really that scared for my life here in delhi. but its not really safe to travel, and the tickets I had booked were to mumbai, so why the hell not just go home? So i am. See you guys soon!

I have felt like I've got a good cry stuck inside for about a week now. I've been trying everything to get it to come out but nothing is working. NOTHING. not even looking at sad, unadopted dog pictures online. And that ALWAYS works.

not nostalgic music, not stressing myself out, not thinking about what a horrible person I am, nothing! its fucking annoying! It just needs to come out already so I can stop moping around. also, so i can try to get rid of this pollution induced eye infection i've got.

EDIT: finally cried last night, though not very much. working better today though. bueno.

i updated my schedule. yes, i scheduled everything. yes, you guessed it, I've got a paper due soon and would rather play with ical then do the paper.






its like a rainbow of commitment!

my maid came by and she rang the doorbell like literally a hundred times until I finally couldn't take it anymore and yelled at her off the balcony to stop and go the fuck away. Then I went back inside and she kept ringing the door bell. So I went downstairs and yelled at her to never do that again and slammed the door shut. I feel really bad now, but she has been the biggest pain in my ass the last few weeks. I have no idea how old she is (she looks like she's about 7 but I think she's more like 14 or so) and she comes upstairs to my apartment to "clean" but actually just fucks off and doesn't sweep or mop well nor does she do anything she is supposed to. She is actually our landlord downstair's maid but was sort of forced on us and is supposed to come once a day to sweep, dust and mop. She has started just going through my stuff, bugging me, and trying to use my computer. And not doing the things she is supposed to do. When I tell her that she should work she just tells me no. I don't really know enough hindi to give her a telling off so theres nothing I can do really. Except not let her in and not pay her.

Look, I'm sorry that you are a poor indian child but if i'm going to pay you, then you are going to do your job. if you wanna goof off after that, then fine. but not instead of working. also, my stuff is mine so stop asking me if you can have it.

I really just am annoyed with the country. I'm tired of it. I'm sorry you're poor, but that doesn't mean that I am supposed to give you everything I have for nothing. I'll pay you or I will volunteer my time, but you are not getting my money for nothing. it doesn't work that way.

i'm wearing genie pants!

so I finally took all of my suits to the tailor's today. I feel so much better about that. I'm really excited about them.

Also, I'm figuring out my life and it feels good. really really good.

I feel scared, but free and I feel like I am being very true to myself right now. Thank you India, for beating me to death and then making me better from the bloody pulp that was left.

here's my supposed schedule for next quarter if none of these classes fill up before my appointment:

so today i'm depressed again. I find it really really hard to stay happy. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.

i don't know why I remembered this but a while ago, back at santa cruz, I was going into the Porter Dining hall and this hippie girl was trying to get in but prolly didn't have a meal plan. People kept telling her no, so I decided I do something nice for the day and guest mealed her in. She was really grateful and of course took a bunch of granola and fruit and stuff lol. Then as we were leaving she said that she wanted to pay me back somehow and I said she didn't need to but she dug in her bag and pulled out a shell and gave it to me.

O Santa Cruz. I love you. You and your wonderful hippies.

I think I will conduct a social experiment next year and guest meal a lot more hippies in and see what happens.


Also, I think I'm secretly emo now adays. I hide it even from myself, but itunes never lies:

ton ten most played in itunes:
-lullaby: the cure
-lovesong: the cure
-Blackbird/yesterday: the beatles
-Kathy's Song: Simon and Garfunkel
-Pictures of you: the cure
-I just don't think I'll ever get over you: Garden State Soundtrack
-Don't let me be lonely tonight: James Taylor
-Woke up New: The mountain goats
-Possibly maybe: bjork
-doubting Thomas: nickel creek

Did I go through a break up and not know it or something??? Jesus Christ!

so i just found out that the weird fruit i've been eating is called a "sugar-apple" and is actually native to the Americas. Who woulda thunk?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sugar_apple

So I am taking some classes here in India. Thats right, STUDYING abroad.

And for a while I thought these classes were kind of lame. Well, not lame, but just not quite up to standard of what American classes expect. (except for my hindi class which I am taking pass/no pass because our teacher somehow expects us to fluent or something, retard...)

My art history class just had its last meeting! ha lol. I leave two months from now. And my anthro class is sort of getting good i guess but it still only meets once a week for two hours lol.


BUT! now i'm starting to feel the pressure. Its sort of a big ol' slap in da face.

"ok, so go write your 15 page paper for you art history class. you got two weeks. go"

"ok, so i think your anthro paper should be about 20 pages and try to include a lot of original research."

I don't speak hindi!! Ahhh!!

I went to tell my anthro prof about my topic for my paper (AIDS in tribal societies)- he got all excited and pulled out a journal in which there was an article on the topic that he had just written.

FUCK! WHY DID I PICK THE TOPIC THE TEACHERS IS DOING RESEARCH ON???!!! TOO MUCH PRESSURE!!! AAHH!
And he said to all of us that we should be aiming to publish these papers. And i've got like... a week... to write the rough draft. I haven't even been stalling or anything. AHHHH!!!


EDIT: HAAA OK I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER BECAUSE I FINALLY READ MY PROFESSOR'S ARTICLE AND ITS NOT THAT GOOD HAA! Its not that he isn't a good author or that he isn't knowledgeable in the subject, but I have two benefits: my native language is english, and I come from a more progressive country and academic world. Its not thinking out of the box for me to know that AIDs isn't just a health but a social problem too. YAY FIRST WORLD! woot.

I haven’t truly written anything in this journal for a very long time. For a number of reasons, but mostly because I’ve just been disinterested in the idea of reliving my experiences in words- not that they were mostly bad, but they are all exhausting. And I usually need to be in a certain mood to write, one in which my thoughts come out sounding like a post. Today was finally one of those days. I was so absorbed in thought and enjoying that isolation so much that I didn’t even go out of the house much, just to buy tp. Yup, ordered a pizza and all.

I still don’t feel like retelling things though. I’ll just tell you all about it when I get back. That’s easier. But I’d love to muse for a while.

First, I’ve lost a lot of weight (which I won’t keep off if I keep eating so much pizza). I feel as though the evil elves came in the middle of the night and let out all my clothes by several inches. They’re now even too baggy for my tastes. My jeans especially. O well, getting some salwar kameez made soon I think (got a bunch of fabric sets but have just now found a good tailor).

Second, I have grown a lot lately. I feel a lot more self-confident. Not good enough yet, but I’m getting there. I’ve realized some things about that confidence though. Its very much tied to the way that I look- namely my weight. I can argue forever that women should respect their bodies for what they are and love themselves. And I’ll help anyone but myself to believe that. But I have such a deep rooted, internalized hatred of my body that it affects every aspect of my life. I have at the same time come in contact with forms of discrimination that I have not experienced outright in America- blatant chauvinism and sexual harassment, I've been on the minority side of racism now. Somehow the coupling of all these experiences and my new found ability to look at my weight issue as just that- weight, not worth- has made me come to see that this issue is incredibly pervasive in my life.

( under cut to spare your friends pages but please read )

ok. i voted all the way from frickin INDIA so all y'all better get your lazy butts out and vote today, mmk?


(no on 8)

(yes on Obama)

Anyone got some lovin' for a broken soul?

o lord.

two months until I fly home! o lord...

as much as I have fun on this trip I cannot stop counting days until I come home. I am getting so worn out.

I longgg for home. it seems so farrr away. so far away. even the idea.

I have been travelling for a consecutive month now. I grow tired.

There are so many things I need to get done, both here and there.

Sorry for the depression. I think I'm just really exhausted.


Anyway. I just got back from Kashmir. I put the pictures up on facebook if anyone cares.

Tomorrow I start school again. ugg.

happy diwali!

god i'm tired.

so i went to nepal. that was awesome. then i went to darjeeling. now i'm going to bihar. not much time to really ellaborate, I'll do that later. just wanted to say i'm still alive.

Happy birthday rachel! sorry thats late.

so i'm in varanasi for the day. its pretty awesome. Saw the burning ghat this morning. Took a boat tour on the ganges. Took the overnight train to get here.

tomorrow i take the bus to nepal. Kathmandu should be awesome i think. lol

then, to darjeeling! yay!

so I'm almost done bitching about how much I want to go home etc. I decided that this sort of behaviour will not do. So, instead, I have decided to speed up time. Smart ya? That way I get to enjoy India and go home soon! Its perfect.

Would you all like to know how I will manage this feat?

By keeping myself ridiculously busy of course!

Here is my life for the next 3 months:
september 30th/oct 1st-varanasi
oct 2nd- bus from varanasi to border
0ctober 3rd bus from border to kathmandu
oct 4-6 kathmandu
oct 7 bus back to border
oct 8 bus back to varanasi
oct 9 train from varanasi to silliguri
oct 10 taxi to darjeeling
Oct 11-13 Darjeeling (tea plantation, monastery, snow leopards, sunrise over the himalayas)
Oct 14 toy train (Darjeeling himalayan railway- aka the "toy train")
oct 15train to katihar (bihar)
oct 16-25 bihar (health survey and aid work in camps)
oct 26 train to delhi
oct 27class
oct 28 DIWALI!!
Oct 29 plane to kashmir
oct 29-nov 2 kashmir
Nov3-5 class/ begin writing papers
nov 7-10 pushkar camel festival/ jain temples in udaipur
nov 11-13 class/ write papers
nov 14-17 amritsar
nov 18-20 class/ write papers
nov 21-24 bodgaya
nov 25-27 class/ finish papers
nov 28-dec 4 Mumbai, ajanta, ellora
Dec 5th hindi final
Dec 6-8 Calcutta (work/ visit city)
Dec 9-10 bangladesh
Dec 11-13 travel to/ chennai
Dec 14-15 Sri Lanka
Dec 16-18 travel back to Delhi
Dec 18th parents arrive
Dec 19-Jan 2nd Agra, jaipur, delhi hang out
Jan 2nd fly home/ arrive home (yay for international dateline!)
Jan 2nd go to taco bell
Jan 5 go back to school


I like my plan. I'll prolly be able to pass out on the plane after all that right? Ha ha heh heh... o boy.

Sooo. its been two weeks since I posted on this journal which is supposed to be my travel blog. lol. I have kept an extensive handwritten journal though, if any of you care to know what happened to me here in this strange strange place.

Henry came to visit and is now gone. I was sad, but I have gotten over it. easily is not the word- thats sounds as if I forgot about it or something. Maturely maybe? yes. Thats better. I have found out some more things about both of us as happens when you do something meaningful.

Mostly I write to talk about the thing that has come to occupy many hours of my day.

I AM WORKING ON BIHAR FLOOD RELIEF HERE IN INDIA. THESE PEOPLE NEED HELP. 2 MILLION HAVE BEEN AFFECTED; 500,000 ARE DEAD. NO ONE IS HELPING THEM TO THE EXTENT THEY NEED. DO NOT STOP READING BECAUSE YOU THINK THIS IS ANOTHER SAD POOR PEOPLE IN ANOTHER FAR AWAY COUNTRY SOB STORY.

I am going to Bihar on Thursday, with my friend Laura. I have no idea what to expect, but I know that this is right. I am scared, but I cannot just stay here. I need any help that any of you can give me- even if that is just commenting on this and saying, go gettum team! or joining the facebook cause (bihar flood relief-apne aap). That still counts as publicity and moral support. Please. PLEASE. I am starting to get desperate here.

Is anyone willing to run some sort of drive, whether it be for food or clothes or money- anything? These people literally have nothing. They were already the poorest in the world, now they don't even have their families or land that has good enough soil for crops.

We are running 7 relief camps. Many have numerous orphans. DONT STOP READING BECAUSE YOU ARE ANNOYED AT ME FOR BEING ANOTHER BLEEDING HEART. THIS IS IMPORTANT TO ME DAMMIT.

$10 feeds 50-100 people.
$1 buys a round of antibiotics.
50 cents can buy a mosquito coil to help prevent malaria

please please please help us out. I know there are millions of causes out there- so if you do it just for me, thats good enough reason.

I can give you anything you need to make these things happen.

I keep telling people this, but I really think its right. "This is not about charity, its about doing right by people who need our help"

so i get a call at 1:00am last night. "hi, its henry. I missed my flight to Delhi from Singapore so I'm actually going to get in at 9:55pm not 5:30am...."

grr. Not only did I spend the next half hour rudely calling people at 1am (the cab that was supposed to get me at 4am and my program director to translate for me), but i also lost all of my sleep and now have to stay up late as well. Today is going to be no bueno. Lets see if I make it to class or not...

sigh. I think the flowers i bought for him are wilting too. Damn it all to hell.

henry is going to get here tomorrow morning at 5:30am x_x

I am trying to get the apartment cleaned up, but am being hampered by my disgusting apartment mate.

I am going to be doing some relief work in Bihar with an NGO, trying to stop the impending epidemics due to the massive floods. More to come.

omg. i did almost all my laundry this weekend (when you read this, think: bottle of detergent, bucket, spicket, wringing, clothesline, porch), which was so satisfying! My underwear were EVERYWHERE in my room last night- on anything that they would hang on, but now are dry!

Henry is coming in less than two days!! We are going to kerala so so sooon, and i'm an so excited.

Too bad i have this hindi test this evening. Buttt.. i'm taking this class pass fail so I really don't give a shit.

=)

why is it that guys just love to hurt women? SO MANY WOMEN I've talked to have just been so so so hurt and abused and raped and just fucked up.

Why?

So for the brief moments that my internet is working, i will post. Bought my plane ticket to Kerala yesterday, today I bought a table and chairs!!! omg I'm not sitting on the floor to drink my chai!!

I'm going to get a tatto when I get back to commemorate this trip. I think a peacock feather on the bottom of my foot. Thoughts?

I'm going to Jaipur and Agra this weekend which means... the Taj Mahal!! I'm excited! but i need to do laundry so I have something to wear while I'm there.

I've been reading Audacity of Hope over the past few days and I'm very excited to vote in November. =)

Henry is coming in twooo weeeks!! Sweet! We are going to kerala and we're gonna go on an elephant ride tiger trek and we are going to take the train to Varanasi and Bodghaya! I'm so excited!!

I think the monsoon is over. Now it is hot, but i actually like it.. hmm.